About 25% of partnered adults experience a sustained desire decline at some point. The most common causes: hormonal shifts, medication side effects (especially SSRIs and hormonal contraception), depression or anxiety, mental load imbalance, unresolved relationship issues, or chronic stress. The path forward depends on the cause — and usually requires medical evaluation, an honest conversation, and sometimes professional support. Pressure rarely fixes desire; addressing causes does.
Why Desire Drops
The most common causes (per Indiana University NSSHB and Kinsey Institute research):
1. Hormonal
Testosterone declines roughly 1% per year after age 30 in men. Estrogen drops at perimenopause and after childbirth. Hormonal contraception reduces libido in ~30% of users.
2. Medications
SSRIs reduce libido in ~50% of users. Hormonal birth control, beta blockers, and many other medications affect desire.
3. Depression and anxiety
Depression reduces libido in ~70% of cases. Anxiety can interfere with arousal.
4. Mental load and burnout
The partner carrying disproportionate household and parenting labor often has lower libido. Brain bandwidth is required for desire.
5. Unresolved relationship issues
Per Gottman research, sexual desire is downstream of emotional safety. Resentment, contempt, and conflict reduce desire.
6. Postpartum and parenting young children
The largest single drop in sexual frequency for couples. See sex after baby.
7. Sleep deprivation and chronic stress
Both reduce baseline desire substantially.
8. Specific issues
Painful sex, sexual trauma, body image concerns, religious or cultural conflicts about sex.
What Doesn't Help
- Pressure or guilt-tripping. Increases avoidance, decreases desire.
- Withdrawing affection in protest. Damages connection, doesn't increase desire.
- Threatening the relationship. Activates fear, not arousal.
- Comparing to other relationships or your past sex life. Damages safety.
- Demanding scheduled sex without addressing causes. Compulsory sex damages response over time.
- Suffering in silence. The most common response and the most corrosive.
What Works
1. Address the conversation, not just the sex
"I miss being close to you. I want to understand what's happened with our sex life. I'm not blaming you — I want us to figure this out together."
2. Both partners get a medical workup
Many declined-desire situations resolve with medical treatment — testosterone, thyroid, SSRI alternatives, hormonal birth control changes, sleep apnea evaluation.
3. Address what's underneath
If the issue is mental load imbalance, redistribute the load. If it's unresolved conflict, address it. If depression or anxiety, treat them.
4. Reintroduce non-sexual physical connection
Long hugs, snuggling, hand-holding without expectation. Many couples have inadvertently turned all touch into a sexual prelude — the lower-desire partner stiffens at any affection. Restoring non-sexual touch rebuilds the body's safety with the partner.
5. Try scheduled intimacy
Once causes are addressed, scheduled sex works particularly well for partners with responsive desire (desire that develops once an experience starts). About 70% of long-term couples benefit from scheduling.
6. Consider sex therapy
An AASECT-certified therapist (find one at aasect.org) is specifically trained for these situations. Often the difference between progress and stuck.
When the Issue Is Bigger Than Desire
Sometimes the lack of desire is downstream of broader relationship disengagement. Signs:
- Decline in affection generally, not just sex
- Decline in conversation, time together, intimacy of every form
- Decline coincides with other relationship distancing
- Partner doesn't want to address it at all
In these cases, sex therapy alone won't address the core issue. Couples therapy is usually the right move. Sometimes the underlying issue is that the relationship itself has become unsustainable — though most couples discover sustained recovery is possible with intentional work.
Frequently Asked Questions
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Try Connected free →Frequently Asked Questions
Why doesn't my partner want sex anymore?
Common causes: hormonal shifts (testosterone, perimenopause, postpartum), medications (especially SSRIs, hormonal contraception), depression or anxiety, mental load imbalance, unresolved relationship issues, chronic stress, sleep deprivation, or specific issues like painful sex or trauma. Most cases have multiple contributing factors.
How do I tell my partner I miss having sex?
Lead with what you miss, not with what they're doing wrong: "I miss being close to you. I want to understand what's happened with our sex life." Don't threaten, pressure, or compare. Frame it as a shared problem to solve together. Open the conversation; don't demand immediate answers.
Should I leave a partner who doesn't want sex?
Most therapists recommend exhausting recovery options first: medical workup, addressing relationship causes, sex therapy, sometimes treatment of underlying conditions (depression, anxiety). Leave decisions usually involve more than sex alone — typically broader patterns of disengagement or refusal to address the issue. About 60-70% of couples in structured work report meaningful improvement within 6 months.
Is it normal for sex to decline in a long relationship?
Some decline is normal — sexual frequency typically falls 30-40% over the first 5-10 years and stabilizes after that. Substantial sustained decline is more concerning. The functional question is satisfaction, not frequency. A couple having less sex who both feel content has a healthier sexual relationship than a couple having frequent sex with one partner feeling pressured.
Can a relationship survive without sex?
Some can — about 12% of long-term sexless couples report being satisfied with the relationship overall. Most don't. Sex isn't central to every couple's relationship satisfaction, but for couples where one partner wants more and the other doesn't want any, sustained mismatch is one of the strongest precursors to emotional and physical affairs (Esther Perel's research).
What if my partner refuses to address the lack of sex?
Refusal to engage is itself information about the relationship. Most partners who genuinely want the relationship to last engage with the conversation, even if uncomfortable. Sustained refusal usually warrants couples therapy, and sometimes individual therapy for the avoiding partner. In some cases, refusal signals the relationship has been disengaged for longer than acknowledged.
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Last updated: April 27, 2026. This article is reviewed by Kayla Crane, LMFT. The information above is for educational purposes and not a substitute for medical advice or licensed therapy.