The 36 Questions to Fall in Love: The Complete Science-Backed Guide

In 1997, a psychologist named Arthur Aron asked a simple question: Can you make two strangers feel close to each other in under an hour?

The answer was yes. And the method was surprisingly straightforward -- 36 questions, asked in order, each one a little more personal than the last.

The study sat quietly in academic journals for nearly two decades. Then in January 2015, writer Mandy Len Catron tried the experiment on a casual acquaintance and wrote about it in her New York Times Modern Love essay, "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This." The essay went viral. She and her partner did, in fact, fall in love.

Since then, millions of people have tried the 36 questions. Some as a first date. Some as a way to reconnect with a long-term partner. Some just out of curiosity. And the consensus is remarkably consistent: these questions create a kind of intimacy that most people have never experienced in conversation before.

This is the complete guide. Below you will find all 36 original questions organized by set, the science behind why they work, step-by-step instructions for doing the exercise, research on its effectiveness, and -- critically -- how couples who are already together can use them to deepen their emotional intimacy.

The Science Behind the 36 Questions

The 36 questions come from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues -- including Elaine Aron, Edward Melinat, Robert Darrin Vallone, and Renee J. Bator -- published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin under the title "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness."

The study was built on a key psychological principle that Aron and his team articulated clearly:

"One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure."

-- Aron et al., 1997

In other words, relationships get deeper when two people share personal things about themselves -- gradually, back and forth, with each round going a little deeper than the last. The 36 questions were designed to replicate this natural pattern in a compressed timeframe.

How the Study Worked

Aron's team ran multiple experiments. In each one, pairs of strangers were brought together and given one of two sets of instructions. Some pairs received the 36 questions (the "closeness-generating" condition). Others received 36 small-talk questions -- surface-level prompts like "What was your high school like?" and "What is your favorite holiday?"

After 45 minutes of conversation, both groups rated how close they felt to their partner.

Why Escalating Vulnerability Works

The genius of the 36 questions is not any single question. It is the structure. The questions are organized into three sets of 12, and each set goes meaningfully deeper than the last.

Set I asks about preferences, habits, and surface-level reflections. These are the kinds of things you might share on a good first date.

Set II moves into values, memories, and what matters most to you. This is the territory of close friends -- the things you share when you trust someone.

Set III asks for genuine vulnerability. These questions require you to be honest about your fears, your regrets, and what you really think of the person sitting across from you.

This escalation mirrors how real intimacy develops over months or years -- but compresses it into less than an hour. And because both people are answering the same questions, neither person is more exposed than the other. That reciprocity is what makes the vulnerability feel safe rather than risky.

How to Do the Exercise

The 36 questions exercise is simple, but there are a few things that make the difference between "that was nice" and "that was one of the most meaningful conversations I've ever had." Here is how to do it right.

These first 12 questions seem simple on the surface, but they are carefully designed to reveal preferences, values, and ways of thinking. They warm up the conversation and establish the reciprocal dynamic that will carry through the rest of the exercise.

This is where the conversation shifts. Set II moves from "what you like" to "what matters to you." These questions ask about dreams, values, family, and the role of love in your life. You will probably start to feel a warmth and openness that was not there 15 minutes ago.

This is where things get real. Set III asks you to be truly vulnerable -- to share embarrassing moments, talk about death and loss, say things to your partner's face that you might normally keep to yourself. If you have made it this far, you have already built enough trust to go here. These final 12 questions are where the deepest connection happens.

The 4-Minute Eye Contact Exercise

After you have answered all 36 questions, the final step is to sit in silence and look into each other's eyes for four uninterrupted minutes.

This part was not in Aron's original study. It was added by Mandy Len Catron in her 2015 New York Times essay, drawing on separate research about how sustained eye contact builds emotional bonds. It has since become an essential part of the full 36 questions experience.

Why Eye Contact Is So Powerful

Research published in the Journal of Research in Personality has shown that mutual gazing increases feelings of passionate love and affection between partners. Sustained eye contact activates the release of oxytocin -- often called the "bonding hormone" -- which is the same neurochemical released during physical touch, breastfeeding, and orgasm.

Four minutes is long enough to move through the initial discomfort and reach a state of genuine emotional openness. Many people who have done the full exercise -- 36 questions followed by 4 minutes of eye contact -- describe it as one of the most intimate experiences of their lives, even with someone they already know well.

Does It Actually Work?

The honest answer is: it depends on what you mean by "work."

What the Research Proves

The 36 questions are scientifically proven to generate interpersonal closeness. That is what the study measured, and the results were clear and have been replicated multiple times. Pairs who did the 36 questions felt significantly closer than pairs who engaged in small talk -- and the effect was large enough that some participants described feeling closer to their conversation partner than to their closest real-world relationships.

Follow-up research has extended these findings beyond the original study:

• Cross-cultural replication: Undergraduate students in Germany grew fonder of each other after completing the 36 questions, suggesting the effect is not limited to American participants.
• Prejudice reduction: White heterosexual students who completed the 36 questions with gay and lesbian partners showed improved attitudes. Latino and white students high in unconscious racial prejudice experienced reductions in stress biomarkers when completing the questions in cross-race pairs.
• Beyond strangers: UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center recommends the exercise for anyone seeking to develop a deeper connection -- including established couples, family members, friends, and even coworkers.

Real-World Results

The most famous real-world test of the 36 questions came from Mandy Len Catron herself. She tried the exercise with a university acquaintance she found interesting but was not dating. They answered all 36 questions, did the 4-minute eye contact, and -- as she wrote in her now-famous New York Times essay -- they did fall in love. They have been together since.

But Catron's story is one data point. What happens when ordinary people try the exercise?

The responses are remarkably consistent. Most people who complete the full exercise report feeling a depth of connection that surprised them. Not everyone falls in love -- and that was never the point -- but nearly everyone describes feeling like they know the other person in a way that feels disproportionate to the time spent together. Forty-five minutes, and you feel like you have known someone for months.

This effect holds whether you are trying the exercise with a stranger, a first date, a friend, or a long-term partner. The mechanism is the same: reciprocal vulnerability creates closeness. The starting point is different, but the trajectory is consistent.

What It Does Not Guarantee

The 36 questions do not guarantee you will fall in love. Aron's study measured "closeness," not "romantic love" -- and those are different things. You can feel profoundly close to someone without developing romantic feelings.

The questions also cannot create attraction where none exists. They cannot fix fundamental incompatibilities. And they cannot replace the long, slow process of building a relationship through shared experiences, navigated conflicts, and ordinary daily life.

But here is what they can do: they can create the conditions under which love becomes possible. Vulnerability, emotional safety, reciprocal disclosure, mutual recognition -- these are the raw materials of love. The 36 questions hand them to you in an hour.

When to Try the 36 Questions

Not sure if this exercise is right for you? Here are the situations where it tends to be most powerful:

• Early dating: If you are past the first-date small talk but want to fast-track deeper connection, the 36 questions are remarkably effective. They give both of you permission to be real with each other earlier than social norms typically allow.
• Feeling stuck: If your conversations with your partner have become repetitive or surface-level, the exercise creates a structured reason to go deeper. Many couples describe it as a "reset" for their communication.
• After a difficult period: Conflict, stress, illness, career upheaval -- all of these can create emotional distance. The 36 questions help rebuild the bridge. They remind you why you chose this person in the first place.
• Milestone moments: Anniversaries, New Year's Eve, a long flight together, a quiet weekend away -- these are natural moments to revisit the exercise and see how your answers have changed.
• Friendships you want to deepen: The exercise works beautifully with close friends, siblings, or even parents. Any relationship benefits from structured vulnerability.

Tips for Couples Already in Love

Here is something most articles about the 36 questions miss: the exercise is arguably more powerful for established couples than for strangers.

When you have been with someone for years, you develop a kind of confident familiarity that can quietly become its own barrier. You think you know everything about your partner. You stop asking the kind of deep, personal questions that you asked when you were first getting to know each other. The conversations that used to go until 3 AM get replaced by logistics and schedules.

The 36 questions interrupt that pattern. They give you structured permission to go deep again -- and you might be surprised by what you discover about a person you thought you knew completely.

How to Adapt the Exercise for Long-Term Relationships

• Answer from where you are now. Your answers at 35 are different from your answers at 25. When the question asks about your most treasured memory, do not just recite the same story -- think about what you would say today. Your evolving answers are how your partner stays current with who you are becoming.
• Do not assume you know their answers. One of the most common reactions from long-term couples who try the 36 questions is surprise. You think you know what your partner would say -- and then they say something you have never heard before. Let yourself be surprised.
• Use it as a reset. After a rough period, a big life change, or just a long stretch of routine, the 36 questions can reset the emotional baseline of your relationship. Think of it as pressing "refresh" on your intimacy.
• Do it annually. Some couples do the 36 questions on their anniversary or at the start of every new year. Your answers change as you change. It becomes a way of tracking your growth -- both individually and as a couple.
• Split it across multiple evenings. You do not have to do all 36 in one sitting. Try one set per date night. This gives you time to process and come back with even more openness.

Going Beyond the 36 Questions

The 36 questions are a starting point, not a destination. The principle behind them -- regular, reciprocal, escalating self-disclosure -- is something you can practice every day.

This is exactly what the daily question feature in Connected is designed for. Every day, both partners receive the same thoughtful question. You answer independently, then reveal your answers together. Over time, this creates the same pattern of escalating intimacy that makes the 36 questions so powerful -- but sustained over weeks, months, and years rather than compressed into a single session.

If the 36 questions opened a door for you, daily questions keep it open.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do the 36 questions to fall in love actually work?

The 36 questions are scientifically proven to create interpersonal closeness. In Aron's original study, pairs who completed the 36 questions felt significantly closer than pairs who engaged in small talk. The study measured closeness rather than romantic love specifically, but the exercise creates the conditions -- vulnerability, reciprocal self-disclosure, and emotional intimacy -- that are foundational to falling in love. Mandy Len Catron, who popularized the questions in her New York Times essay, did fall in love with the person she tried them with.

How long does it take to do the 36 questions?

The original study was designed to take 45 minutes, with approximately 15 minutes per set. Most people find the exercise takes 60 to 90 minutes when they allow conversations to develop naturally. After the 36 questions, the exercise concludes with 4 minutes of silent eye contact. There is no need to rush -- taking your time leads to deeper connection.

Can the 36 questions work for couples already together?

Yes -- and many relationship therapists specifically recommend them for this purpose. Long-term partners often stop asking each other deep, personal questions. The 36 questions create structured space to rediscover each other, share things you may have never discussed, and reignite the emotional intimacy that can fade over time. Your answers will have changed since you first got together, which makes redoing the exercise a way of getting to know who your partner is now.

What is the 4-minute eye contact exercise?

After completing all 36 questions, you sit facing your partner in silence and look into each other's eyes for 4 uninterrupted minutes. This was included in Mandy Len Catron's New York Times essay. Sustained eye contact activates the release of oxytocin -- the bonding hormone -- and creates a powerful sense of vulnerability and connection. Many people report that the eye contact portion is the most emotionally intense part of the entire exercise.

Who created the 36 questions?

The 36 questions were created by psychologist Arthur Aron and his research team, including Elaine Aron, Edward Melinat, Robert Darrin Vallone, and Renee J. Bator. They were published in a 1997 study titled "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. The questions became widely known in 2015 when writer Mandy Len Catron wrote about trying them in her New York Times Modern Love essay, "To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."

Can I do the 36 questions with a friend or family member?

Absolutely. The questions were designed to generate closeness -- not exclusively romantic closeness. UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center recommends them for anyone you want to develop a deeper connection with, including friends, family members, and even colleagues. The principle of reciprocal self-disclosure works in any relationship where both people are willing to be open and vulnerable.

What if one of us does not want to answer a question?

The exercise works best when you answer every question, because the discomfort is part of what creates the depth. However, if a question touches something genuinely painful or traumatic, it is okay to acknowledge that and move on. You might say, "This one is hard for me -- can I come back to it?" The goal is vulnerability, not distress.

The Real Point of the 36 Questions

The 36 questions went viral because people heard "fall in love in 45 minutes" and thought it was a trick, a hack, a shortcut to something complicated. But that misses the point of Aron's research.

The real insight is this: closeness is not something that happens to you. It is something you create -- through deliberate, reciprocal vulnerability. The 36 questions prove that when two people decide to be honest with each other, to listen without judgment, and to match each other's openness step by step, intimacy is the natural result.

That is not a hack. It is a practice.

Whether you try these questions with a stranger, a first date, or the person you have shared a bed with for 20 years, the principle is the same. The quality of your relationship is determined by the quality of your conversations. Ask better questions. Listen more carefully. Be a little braver with what you share.

The 36 questions give you a place to start. What you build from there is up to you.

Want to keep the conversation going? Connected's daily questions feature delivers a fresh prompt to both partners every day, building on the same principles of reciprocal self-disclosure that make the 36 questions so effective. Explore 150 more deep relationship questions, or learn about the couple assessments that help you understand the patterns beneath the surface.