If you are reading this, you are probably going through something difficult. Maybe you have been lying next to your partner at night feeling a thousand miles away. Maybe you can not remember the last conversation that went beyond logistics. Maybe you still love each other but something essential has gone quiet between you. You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story. The fact that you are looking for answers means the connection is still there -- it just needs tending.
Every long-term relationship passes through seasons. Some are warm and effortless -- you finish each other's sentences, you laugh at the same absurd things, you reach for each other without thinking. Others are colder. The conversation thins. The touches become functional rather than affectionate. You become two people managing a shared life rather than two people building one together.
Here is what most advice about reconnecting gets wrong: it treats disconnection as a problem to solve with a single conversation or a weekend getaway. In reality, disconnection is almost always the result of a hundred small choices made over weeks or months -- a bid for attention that went unanswered, a hard day that was not asked about, an evening spent scrolling side by side in silence. Reconnecting requires reversing that pattern, one intentional choice at a time.
This guide is built on research from the Gottman Institute, attachment theory, and over a decade of couples therapy literature. It is not a list of platitudes. It is a practical, day-by-day approach to rebuilding what has been lost -- or building something even better than what you had before.
Why Couples Drift Apart: Understanding the Science
Before we talk about how to reconnect, it helps to understand why disconnection happens in the first place. Not because you need someone to blame (you do not), but because understanding the mechanisms makes it easier to interrupt them.
The Decline of Novelty
When a relationship is new, your brain is flooded with dopamine and norepinephrine -- the neurochemicals of excitement and focused attention. Everything about your partner feels fascinating. You ask questions because you genuinely do not know the answers. You pay attention because everything is information.
Over time, this neurochemical intensity naturally fades. It is not a failure of love; it is biology doing exactly what it is supposed to do. The problem is that many couples mistake the end of novelty for the end of connection. They stop asking questions because they assume they already know the answers. They stop paying close attention because familiarity has made their partner's inner world feel predictable. But people change constantly -- and when you stop being curious about those changes, you slowly lose track of who your partner actually is.
Dr. Arthur Aron's research at Stony Brook University found that couples who regularly engaged in novel, challenging activities together maintained higher levels of relationship satisfaction than those who stuck to familiar routines. The key finding: novelty reactivates the same dopamine pathways involved in early-stage romantic love.
The Erosion of Bids for Connection
Dr. John Gottman's longitudinal research on couples identified one of the most important predictors of relationship success: how partners respond to each other's "bids" for connection. A bid is any attempt to reach toward your partner -- a comment about something you saw, a request for help, a touch on the shoulder, even a sigh.
In his research, Gottman found that couples who stayed together and reported high satisfaction "turned toward" each other's bids 86% of the time. Couples who eventually divorced turned toward each other only 33% of the time. The math is striking: the difference between a thriving relationship and a failing one often comes down to whether you look up from your phone when your partner says, "Look at this sunset."
Stress Accumulation
Life has a way of consuming the energy that relationships need. Career pressures, parenting demands, financial stress, health issues, family obligations -- these are not just distractions from your relationship. They physically deplete the resources (emotional bandwidth, patience, mental availability) that connection requires. When you are running on empty, the relationship is usually the first thing that gets less of you, because it feels like the safest place to withdraw. Your partner will understand. Except that eventually, understanding turns to resignation, and resignation turns to distance.
The Roommate Trap
Perhaps the most common pattern is what therapists call the "roommate syndrome": you still function well together logistically, but the emotional and romantic dimensions have quietly atrophied. You coordinate schedules, manage the household, parent effectively -- but you have stopped being lovers, confidants, and best friends. The infrastructure of the relationship is intact, but the soul has gone quiet.
Sarah and David had been together for nine years. They were not fighting. They were not unhappy, exactly. But Sarah noticed that when something funny happened during her day, her first instinct was to text her sister, not David. When David got anxious about a work presentation, he would journal about it rather than bring it to Sarah. Neither of them had made a conscious decision to withdraw. They had simply, gradually, stopped turning toward each other -- and one day realized the gap between them had grown wide enough to feel lonely inside their own relationship.
12 Signs You Have Grown Apart
Disconnection rarely announces itself. It creeps in quietly, disguised as "just being busy" or "going through a phase." Recognizing the signs is the first step toward doing something about them.
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Parallel scrolling has replaced conversation. Your evenings together consist of sitting side by side, each absorbed in your own screen, rarely sharing what you are looking at or thinking about.
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Conversations stay on the surface. You talk about who is picking up the kids and what to have for dinner, but rarely about how you are actually feeling, what you are worried about, or what you are dreaming about.
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Physical affection has dwindled. Not just sex -- but the casual touches: a hand on the back, a kiss hello, sitting close together on the couch. The physical language of closeness has gone quiet.
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You share news with others first. When something good or bad happens, your partner is not the first person you want to tell. You reach for a friend, a sibling, or social media before you reach for them.
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Small irritations feel larger than they should. The way they load the dishwasher, the sound they make when eating -- things that never used to bother you now feel disproportionately annoying.
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You feel more like roommates than partners. The logistics work fine, but the romance, playfulness, and emotional depth have faded into the background.
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You avoid difficult conversations. It is easier to keep the peace than to bring up what is really bothering you, so important topics stay buried.
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You have stopped being curious about each other. You do not ask about their day with genuine interest. You assume you already know what they are going to say.
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You can not remember the last real date. Quality time together -- not errands, not family events, not watching TV -- has become rare or nonexistent.
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Indifference has replaced frustration. You have moved past being annoyed into something worse: not caring enough to be bothered.
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Your futures feel separate. When you imagine what is next -- a vacation, a move, retirement -- you picture it as your plan rather than your shared plan.
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You feel lonely in the relationship. Perhaps the most telling sign of all: you are with someone, but you feel alone.
15 Research-Backed Strategies to Reconnect with Your Partner
These strategies are ordered from simplest to most involved. You do not need to do all of them. Start with the ones that feel most natural, and add more as you build momentum. The goal is not perfection -- it is direction.
Bring Back the 6-Second Kiss
This concept comes directly from the Gottman Institute: instead of the perfunctory peck that most long-term couples default to, commit to a 6-second kiss at least once a day. Six seconds is long enough to feel intentional and present, but short enough to fit into the busiest morning. It is a physical reset that signals, "I am still here. I still choose you."
It may feel awkward at first. That awkwardness is actually information -- it tells you how far the physical dimension of your relationship has retreated. Lean into it. The discomfort fades quickly, and what replaces it is a small, daily act of intimacy that ripples into everything else.
Before one of you leaves for work tomorrow morning or before you go to sleep tonight, hold the kiss for a full 6 seconds. Set a mental timer. Notice how different it feels from the usual quick goodbye.
Ask One Real Question Per Day
Not "How was your day?" (which usually produces "Fine.") but a question that invites a real answer. "What was the hardest part of your day?" or "What are you most looking forward to this week?" or "Is there anything you have been thinking about that you have not told me?"
The Gottman Institute calls this building "love maps" -- maintaining an intimate, detailed understanding of your partner's inner world. Love maps erode slowly through inattention, and they are rebuilt the same way: one genuine question at a time. The key is to ask with curiosity, not interrogation, and to listen to the answer without jumping to fix or advise.
Not sure what to ask? Connected sends you a thoughtful daily question designed by relationship researchers to spark exactly these kinds of conversations. Both partners answer, then share -- turning a simple prompt into a meaningful moment. Learn how Daily Questions work.
Create a Phone-Free Zone
Research from the University of British Columbia found that the mere presence of a smartphone during a face-to-face conversation reduced the quality of connection between partners, even when neither person was actively using it. The phone's presence signals divided attention -- the possibility that at any moment, something more interesting might buzz through.
Choose one time and place that is phone-free. The dinner table is the most common choice, but the bedroom is even more impactful. When you remove the screens from these spaces, you create containers for connection that are protected from the constant pull of the digital world.
Reinstate the Reunion Ritual
How do you greet each other at the end of the day? For most disconnected couples, the answer is something like: one person walks in, the other glances up, maybe says hi, and everyone continues what they were doing. The transition from apart to together passes without ceremony.
Couples therapists consistently recommend creating a deliberate reunion ritual: when you first see each other after being apart, stop what you are doing, make eye contact, embrace, and take two minutes to actually arrive in each other's presence. Ask about one highlight and one lowlight from their day. It does not have to be long, but it has to be intentional.
When your partner walks through the door (or when you join them in the kitchen, or when you log off from work), put everything down. Walk toward them. Hug for at least ten seconds. Ask: "What was the best part of your day?" Listen to the full answer before sharing yours.
Say What You Appreciate Out Loud
Gratitude researcher Dr. Sara Algoe at the University of North Carolina found that expressing specific appreciation to a romantic partner strengthens the bond for both the giver and the receiver. Not generic appreciation ("Thanks for everything you do") but detailed, observational appreciation ("I noticed you got up early to make lunches even though you were exhausted, and I want you to know I saw that and it meant a lot to me").
Specific appreciation communicates something deeper than gratitude -- it communicates attention. It says: I see the small, invisible things you do. I notice the effort you put in. You are not taken for granted here.
Return to Physical Touch (Beyond Sex)
Physical touch releases oxytocin -- the neurochemical of bonding and trust. But in disconnected relationships, non-sexual touch is often the first thing to disappear. Partners stop reaching for each other's hand, stop rubbing each other's back, stop sitting close enough to touch.
Start small and do not make it about sex. Hold hands while watching TV. Put your hand on their leg in the car. Touch their arm when you walk past. These micro-moments of physical contact maintain the body-level awareness that you are connected -- that this is not just a roommate you are living with, but a person whose skin you are allowed to touch, whose warmth you are invited into.
Partners arrive home, each absorbed in their own world. Quick hello. Parallel scrolling on the couch. Logistics-only conversation over dinner. Fall asleep facing opposite directions.
10-second hug at the door. Phones stay in another room during dinner. One real question over the meal. Sitting close enough to touch on the couch. A 6-second kiss before sleep.
Schedule a Weekly Check-In
Dr. James Cordova's research on "marriage checkups" found that regular, structured conversations about the state of the relationship significantly improved satisfaction and prevented small issues from compounding into major ones. A weekly check-in creates a dedicated space to talk about how things are going -- not in crisis mode, but as preventive maintenance.
The structure does not need to be complicated. Twenty minutes. Each person answers the same prompts: How am I feeling about us this week? What did I appreciate? What do I need? What could I do better? The regularity removes the pressure of having to "bring something up." The structure provides safety. And over time, these conversations become something you both look forward to.
Connected's Weekly Check-In guides you through a research-based relationship check-in covering emotional connection, appreciation, and needs. Both partners complete it independently, then share results -- creating a structured space for the conversations that matter most.
Do Something New Together
Novelty reactivates the dopamine pathways that were so active in the early stages of your relationship. Psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron demonstrated that couples who engaged in novel, slightly challenging activities together reported higher relationship satisfaction than those who did pleasant but familiar activities.
The activity does not need to be extreme. Cook a cuisine you have never tried. Take a class together. Go to a neighborhood you have never explored. Walk a trail you have never walked. The point is to be beginners together again -- to experience the shared vulnerability and excitement of not knowing what comes next.
Repair the Small Hurts
In most disconnected relationships, there is a backlog of small, unaddressed hurts. A dismissive comment. A forgotten birthday plan. A time when one partner needed support and the other was not present. These micro-injuries do not heal on their own. They calcify into resentment that makes every new interaction a little more guarded, a little less generous.
Repair does not require a dramatic apology. It requires acknowledgment. "I have been thinking about last Tuesday when you were telling me about your day and I was looking at my phone. I want you to know that I realize I was not present, and I am sorry. You deserved my full attention." The specificity matters. It communicates that you noticed what happened and you understand why it mattered.
Share Your Inner World
Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability -- and vulnerability requires going first. Instead of waiting for your partner to open up, practice initiating the kind of sharing you wish you had more of. Talk about what you are afraid of. Admit what you are struggling with. Share what you are excited about, even if it feels small.
This is harder than it sounds, especially if disconnection has made the relationship feel unsafe for emotional exposure. Start small. "I have been feeling overwhelmed at work and I have not been talking about it." "I had a dream about us last night and it made me think about how much I miss feeling close to you." Each act of vulnerability, met with care rather than dismissal, rebuilds the bridge between you.
Share one thing you have been carrying alone. It does not need to be heavy. Even "I have been feeling nostalgic about our trip to the coast three years ago" is an act of emotional intimacy -- it shares your inner experience and invites your partner into it.
Laugh Together (On Purpose)
Shared laughter is one of the most reliable indicators of relationship health. Couples who laugh together report higher satisfaction, handle conflict better, and feel more connected even during difficult periods. Laughter creates a neurochemical cocktail of oxytocin, endorphins, and dopamine that quite literally bonds you together.
But here is the thing: laughter does not always happen spontaneously in a disconnected relationship. You may need to create conditions for it. Watch a comedy you both love. Share something absurd you saw online. Reminisce about a ridiculous shared memory. Play a game that invites silliness. The goal is not forced hilarity -- it is creating space for the kind of lightness that disconnection squeezes out.
Revisit Your Story
Gottman's research found that the way couples narrate the history of their relationship is one of the strongest predictors of their future. Couples who recall their early days with warmth, detail, and fondness -- even during a rough patch -- are significantly more likely to stay together and rebuild. Couples who rewrite their history negatively ("I guess I should have seen the red flags") are more likely to separate.
Revisiting your story is not about being naive. It is about maintaining access to the genuine love and connection that brought you together. Pull out old photos. Revisit the place you had your first date. Ask each other, "What did you first notice about me?" and "When did you know you loved me?" These are not just nostalgia -- they are anchors that remind both of you what you are building on.
Create Something Together
Consumption is passive. Creation is active, vulnerable, and bonding. Instead of watching a show together (which can be a fine activity, but is essentially parallel consumption), try building or making something. Tend a garden. Cook an ambitious meal. Start a photo project. Rearrange a room. Work on a puzzle.
The shared act of creation requires collaboration, negotiation, and shared investment in an outcome. It also provides a sense of accomplishment that belongs to both of you -- a tangible reminder that you can still make good things happen as a team.
Write What You Cannot Say
Sometimes the gap between you and your partner feels too wide for spoken words. The conversation stalls, or emotions overwhelm the message, or you are afraid of saying it wrong. In those moments, write.
A letter -- physical, on real paper if possible -- bypasses many of the dynamics that make difficult conversations difficult. You can choose your words carefully. You can be fully honest without being interrupted. Your partner can read it at their own pace, sit with it, and respond when they are ready. Some of the most important turning points in relationships happen not in spoken conversation but in written words that say what speaking could not.
Write a letter that starts with: "Things I want you to know but have not been able to say..." Let it be messy. Let it be honest. Leave it where they will find it.
Track Your Connection Over Time
What gets measured gets managed. One reason disconnection creeps in so silently is that there is no feedback loop -- no way to see the slow drift until it has become a chasm. Creating a way to regularly assess your connection makes the invisible visible.
This can be as simple as both partners rating how connected they felt this week on a scale of 1-10, then comparing notes. Over time, patterns emerge: you may notice that connection dips during high-stress work periods, or rises after weekends spent together without distractions. These patterns help you anticipate and prevent disconnection before it takes hold.
Connected's Connection Score does this automatically -- tracking your relationship health across emotional, physical, and practical dimensions based on your daily and weekly check-in data. See how your connection changes over time and get personalized insights on what is working.
The 7-Day Reconnection Challenge
Reading about reconnection is one thing. Actually doing it is another. This 7-day challenge gives you one specific, manageable action per day. Each day builds on the last. By the end of the week, you will have established a foundation of small habits that, continued over time, can transform the emotional texture of your relationship.
One important note: you can do this challenge solo. You do not need your partner to agree to it, participate in it, or even know about it. Many of these actions are unilateral -- things you can do regardless of your partner's awareness or readiness. Often, one partner's shift in behavior naturally invites a shift in the other.
The 7-Day Reconnection Challenge
One small action per day. No grand gestures required.
The 6-Second Kiss
Kiss your partner for a full 6 seconds -- once in the morning, once in the evening. No explanation needed. No preamble. Just a longer, more intentional kiss that says, "I am still here."
30 seconds totalOne Real Question
Ask your partner a question you do not already know the answer to. "What has been on your mind lately?" or "Is there anything you have been wanting to tell me?" Listen fully. Do not advise. Just hold space.
10-15 minutesPhone-Free Dinner
Both phones stay in another room during the entire meal. No exceptions. Talk about your days, your weeks, your hopes. Notice what the conversation becomes when there are no screens to retreat into.
30-45 minutesSpecific Appreciation
Tell your partner one specific thing you appreciate about them -- not a quality, but a specific recent action. "I noticed you stayed up to help me with the dishes even though you were tired. That meant a lot." Be genuine. Be detailed.
2 minutesShare Something Vulnerable
Tell your partner one thing you have been carrying alone. It does not need to be heavy. "I have been feeling a little anxious about money." "I miss how we used to laugh together." The act of sharing is the point.
10-20 minutesDo Something New
Experience something together that neither of you has done before. Cook an unfamiliar recipe. Walk a different route. Visit a part of your city you have never explored. Be beginners together.
1-2 hoursThe State of Us Conversation
Sit down together without distractions. Each person answers: How connected have I felt this week? What did I appreciate? What do I need more of? What would I like to do differently? Listen without defending. This conversation is the beginning of a new rhythm.
20-30 minutesIf your partner is not ready for a formal challenge, that is okay. Start with Days 1, 4, and 6 on your own. One person's intentional shift often creates a ripple. You do not need permission to start showing up differently in your relationship.
The Reconnection Journey: What to Expect
Reconnection is not linear. There will be days when everything feels closer and warmer, and days when the old distance comes back. This is normal. The trajectory matters more than any individual day.
Stage 1: Awareness (Week 1-2)
This is where you are now. You have recognized the disconnection and decided to do something about it. This stage often comes with grief -- mourning the closeness you used to have, or the closeness you never quite achieved. That grief is a sign that you care. Honor it.
Stage 2: Intentional Effort (Weeks 2-4)
This stage feels effortful, and sometimes awkward. The 6-second kiss feels unnatural. The real questions feel forced. The check-in feels stilted. This is the stage where most people quit because it does not feel organic. Do not quit. Skills do not feel organic until they become habits. Keep going.
Stage 3: New Rhythms (Months 1-3)
Around the 4-6 week mark, something shifts. The daily question becomes something you look forward to rather than a task to complete. The physical affection starts to feel natural again. The check-in becomes a welcomed ritual rather than an obligation. You are building new neural pathways of connection -- literally rewiring your relationship habits.
Stage 4: Sustained Connection (Ongoing)
Connection is never "done." Even couples who feel deeply bonded need to maintain the practices that keep them there. The difference is that maintenance feels lighter than rebuilding. What once required deliberate effort becomes instinct. The question is no longer "How do I reconnect with my partner?" but "How do we keep growing together?"
Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that it takes an average of 20 hours of intentional relationship attention to see measurable improvement in connection and satisfaction. Spread over a month, that is less than 45 minutes per day -- a meaningful but manageable investment in the most important relationship in your life.
When to Seek Professional Help
Self-guided reconnection works well for many couples, particularly when the disconnection stems from busyness, routine, and gradual drifting. But there are situations where professional guidance is not just helpful -- it is important.
Consider couples therapy if...
Professional help is a sign of strength, not failure. Therapists provide tools, frameworks, and a safe space that even the most well-intentioned couples cannot create on their own.
- ● Disconnection has persisted for more than 6 months despite genuine effort
- ● There is unresolved betrayal, infidelity, or broken trust
- ● Conversations consistently escalate into destructive conflict
- ● One or both partners are experiencing depression or anxiety that affects the relationship
- ● You have tried multiple strategies and feel stuck or hopeless
- ● There are recurring patterns (criticism, contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness) that you cannot break on your own
- ● Major life transitions (new baby, job loss, retirement) are creating stress that overwhelms your coping strategies
Look for a therapist who specializes in couples work and uses an evidence-based approach such as the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), or the PACT method. The therapeutic relationship matters as much as the method -- both partners should feel heard and respected by the therapist.
Putting It All Together
Reconnecting with your partner is not about finding the right magic words or planning the perfect date. It is about showing up -- consistently, imperfectly, and with genuine intention. It is about choosing, every day, to turn toward instead of away. To ask instead of assume. To touch instead of scroll. To listen instead of wait for your turn to talk.
The gap between you and your partner did not open overnight, and it will not close overnight. But every small act of connection is a stitch. Every genuine question is a bridge. Every vulnerable confession is an invitation back in. And over time, these small choices accumulate into something powerful: the lived experience that your partner is still the person you want to turn to, and that you are still safe to turn to them.
Remember Sarah and David from the beginning of this guide? They started with the 7-day challenge on a Tuesday in February. The first few days felt awkward -- the 6-second kiss made them both laugh nervously. The phone-free dinner revealed how dependent they had become on screens to fill silence.
But by Day 5, something shifted. David shared that he had been feeling overlooked at work and had not wanted to burden Sarah with it. Sarah said she had been keeping a running list of things she missed about their relationship and was scared to show it to him. That conversation -- messy, tearful, unpolished -- was the first real one they had had in months.
Six weeks later, they described their relationship as "not back to what it was, but better than what it was." Not perfect. But awake, intentional, and moving in a direction they both chose.
"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships. The quality of your relationships is determined by the quality of your attention." -- Esther Perel
Start where you are. Start small. Start today. Your relationship is worth the effort -- and so are you.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does it take to reconnect with your partner?
Most couples begin to notice a shift within 2-4 weeks of consistent, intentional effort. Research from the Gottman Institute suggests that small daily deposits into your "emotional bank account" accumulate quickly. The 7-day reconnection challenge above is designed to create immediate momentum, but lasting reconnection typically unfolds over 1-3 months of sustained practice. The timeline varies depending on how long the disconnection has persisted and whether there are underlying issues (like unresolved conflict) that need attention.
Is it normal to feel disconnected from your partner?
Yes -- extremely normal. Research shows that most long-term couples experience periods of emotional distance, particularly during major life transitions like having children, career changes, moving, or high-stress periods. Disconnection becomes concerning when it persists for months without either partner taking steps to address it, or when it is accompanied by contempt, persistent criticism, or emotional withdrawal. A season of distance does not define your relationship. What you do about it does.
Can you reconnect without couples therapy?
Many couples successfully reconnect without professional help, especially when the disconnection stems from busyness, routine, or gradual drifting rather than deep-seated conflict or betrayal. The strategies in this guide -- building emotional intimacy, asking deeper questions, creating phone-free spaces, and scheduling regular check-ins -- can be highly effective. However, if disconnection involves unresolved resentment, infidelity, or recurring destructive patterns, professional guidance is recommended.
What are the signs you are growing apart?
Common signs include: preferring to spend free time apart, conversations that stay surface-level (logistics only), decreased physical affection, feeling lonely even when together, not sharing good or bad news with your partner first, increased irritability over small things, feeling more like roommates than partners, and a general sense of indifference replacing emotional engagement. See the full 12-sign checklist above for a detailed self-assessment.
What if only one partner wants to reconnect?
This is more common than you might think, and it does not mean reconnection is impossible. Many of the strategies in this guide can be practiced unilaterally -- asking better questions, expressing appreciation, initiating physical touch, sharing vulnerably. Often, when one partner begins to show up differently, the other responds in kind. It may take time, and it requires patience. If your partner seems genuinely uninterested in reconnecting despite sustained effort, improving how you communicate about your needs may help, and couples therapy can provide a structured space for both voices to be heard.